Claiming Confidence: Conquering Impostor Syndrome

Victoria Canham • 17 April 2024 • 5 min read

I certainly recognise that every time something goes belly up in my life, my inner self-saboteur comes out to play in full force. She's a bit of an impish troublemaker; if ever I met one.

Self-sabotage comes along and undermines everything, from my thoughts to my actions and beliefs. It is a

common enemy for many of us as disaster strikes, but with some acknowledgement and concerted effort, it can be defeated.

We are more likely to self-sabotage when we have faced a major setback, because the setback acts as a reinforcing message to your brain that change is a terrible idea.

What does self-sabotage look like?

Self-sabotage doesn’t always show up in the same way for everyone, it can be expressed in unique ways and some people are more prone to self-sabotage than others. It can provide the basis for an unjustified sense of worthlessness and negative thoughts that have no real basis.

Such as:

Procrastination and delaying completing tasks and activities due to feeling overwhelmed, time management trouble or doubting your abilities and skills.
Repeatedly dating people who aren’t right for you or staying in a relationship that is not going anywhere; or dating people with completely different goals for the future, for example, you want children, and they don’t, but you stick around hoping they will change their mind. They won’t.
You have trouble stating your needs, so your boundaries are disrespected, leaving you feeling taken advantage of, which leads to frustration and lowered feelings of self-worth.
Being the ‘nice person’ all the time and having the inability to say no. This puts you on the back foot as it makes you feel like an option to everyone else’s priority status.
Perfectionism and setting unreasonably high standards for yourself (higher than those you hold others to). Perfect doesn’t exist, so chasing perfection and dismissing all your incremental improvements will destroy your self-esteem. It is very difficult to feel motivated and take massive positive action when you spend your time telling yourself that you are useless/ worthless/ not enough/ whatever else you tell yourself in the dark moments.
Starting things you never finish, like new courses, books or projects. Not finishing things unintentionally, gives you an excuse later, that “I never finish anything”, to explain why you haven’t signed up for that master’s degree or cookery course, or entirely new career, or whatever that you say you want to do. (Consciously choosing to leave a course that no longer fits with your plans or choosing to stop reading a book because it’s boring, is completely different and should be commended. You don’t have to stick with doing something you don’t enjoy or that doesn’t move your needle forward just because you started it.)
Self-medicating, which can take many forms, not just traditionally unhealthy habits, but the more common forms are drugs (recreational and pharmaceutical), alcohol, food, shopping, sex etc used to numb the pain. They may numb the pain for an initial period, but they cause long-term damage to the body and the mind.
Self-deprecating or false modesty in work situations often drives people to play down their abilities because they’ve been told “No-one likes a know-it-all” or similar, which seemingly makes them more likeable, but also seen as less competent.
Fear of judgement – We worry what others may think of us, so we self-sabotage, for example, we may worry our family may think less of us if we fail, so we just don’t bother to do the thing at all.
Fear of success, which sounds counterintuitive, but the reality is people react differently to our successes and some may be jealous if we succeed, thus making them spiteful and callous, which hurts our feelings, leaving us less inclined to want to “put ourselves out there”.

From my own experience, I know when I am sorting the spice rack and cleaning all the bottles as though we’re about to go into major surgery together, or sorting out the Tupperware cupboard that I am procrastinating, the same applies to dusting each leaf of my Spider Plant.

Sometimes though, that procrastination can trigger a creative spark, so I choose to examine the emotion that is tied to it and determine what is driving it, which helps me move forward. Sometimes though, the procrastination is allowed to stay, but only sometimes.

How do you overcome self-sabotage?

Identify the behaviours that you adopt. Do you resonate with any of the above signs of self-sabotage? Do you know what your version of procrastination or perfectionism looks like?
What makes you feel like you must act this way? What is the feeling that’s making you clean the kitchen instead of doing the project? Why does the feeling make you react in this way? What are you avoiding?
Talk about it with those closest to you. It’s likely that the people you know and love have had some form of self-sabotage in their lives and they may even have a great strategy for overcoming it. And they can hold you accountable for taking action when you say you will.
Change your thoughts, and beliefs. I know, so easy to say, right? When you are being shitty to yourself, stop, and ask yourself – “what can I say instead that is supportive and positive?” – practice this routinely and it will get easier in time. You have a choice of whether or not you listen to your inner critic
Chunk your goals. Break your big goals down into smaller quick wins so that you can record each success even if it is really small. This will help you to strengthen your self-esteem.
Give yourself grace. You are trying hard to do your best and be your best. Be kind to yourself, more often than you are beating yourself up.

Avoiding situations that may cause you pain is not a strategy worth implementing if you want to achieve change. Anything worth having comes with the risk of pain. Acknowledge the discomfort and do it anyway.

If you are having difficulty working through your self-sabotage, know that you are not alone. Consider working with a coach or therapist. If I can help support you in any way, please reach out at [email protected]
or book a discovery call for a discussion on some strategies you could use to overcome self-sabotage.

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Victoria Canham - Mental Performance Coach

Victoria is an ICF-accredited certified professional coach, who offers bespoke performance coach. With a background in change management and countless hours of professional coaching training and experience, I made the big switch to full-time coaching in 2020. I know what it is like to suddenly have the rug pulled out from under you while you're busy making other plans, as a result, I now help people like you to bounce back from adversity and major setbacks to emerge stronger and better than ever before. Our clients have transformed from feeling overwhelmed by life's challenges to confident, goal-driven individuals who navigate life's obstacles with ease. They've achieved their personal and professional objectives and embodied peak performance in all aspects of life. You too can experience this transformation. This is your moment. Your chance to take control, to choose growth over stagnation, achievement over inaction. This is your opportunity to prove to yourself that you're not defined by your challenges—you're defined by how you rise above them. Are you ready to transform your life and achieve peak performance?