The Truth About High Performance That No One Talks About

Victoria Canham • 10 April 2025 • 5 min read

Note from me to you:

This isn’t a polished “how-to” or a tidy list of leadership tips. It’s not an instruction booklet wrapped in a shiny SEO bow. It’s just me. Writing from a raw place, after realising something that knocked the air out of my lungs. If you’re someone who’s always been the strong one, you might want to keep reading.

I’ve spent years performing through pain. Holding it together while everything inside felt like it was quietly falling apart. Smiling, delivering, advising, achieving—often while emotionally depleted, mentally overwhelmed, and privately unravelling.

But here’s the thing: you can’t sustain high performance without psychological safety. And for many of us, that’s exactly what’s missing. You deserve the psychological safety you're expected to deliver to your teams, family, friends and peers too.

When High Performance is Just Survival in a Fancy Blazer

I’ve coached enough leaders and business owners to know this: a lot of what looks like “thriving” is just surviving with a lick of spit and polish. The perfectly managed calendar. The always-on availability. The sharp suit and sharper thinking. But scratch the surface, and you’ll often find someone who’s emotionally threadbare.

They’re not thriving—they’re performing psychological CPR on themselves daily. And because they’re so good at it, no one even notices. Least of all, the people benefiting from their brain, their time, their energy… and their kindness.

This is where psychological unsafety creeps in, especially for high achievers. It’s not just the overt stuff—bullying, shouting, toxic bosses—that others subject you to. It’s subtle. It’s the constant asking you for advice, favours, time, and emotional support but never returning the check-in. It’s the expectation that because you’re capable, you’ll always cope. It’s the silence when you’re struggling but the queue of requests when others are.

And here’s the kicker: because we’re competent, we keep saying yes. Because we’ve made a career out of being the one people turn to, we forget to ask if we have anyone to turn to ourselves.

I can’t tell you how many people in positions of power have whispered to me in sessions, “I’m exhausted, and I don’t think anyone actually sees me.” That line? It lives in my bones.

I’ve Lived This. And I Know I’m Not Alone.

Recently, I had one of those gut-punch moments that leaves you emotionally winded. I dropped everything—my work, my plans, my finances, my wellbeing—to support someone because I do that. I show up. I care. I over-care.

But subsequently, what has become very clear was a slow, painful unravelling of just how deep the people-pleasing pattern goes in me. How easy it is for others to hijack my energy. How little room I give myself to say no—or even to say, “Hang on, what do I need here?”

It forced me to confront a hard truth: for all the times I’ve been the coach, the crisis-responder, the emergency therapist, the business sounding board, the one people call when their world is falling apart… I can't remember the last time someone asked me, “Are you OK?” with no agenda.

And here’s the part that really hurts: people are more than happy to come to me for advice, for insight, for coaching. For free.

They want my brain. My listening. My perspective.

But they don’t buy from me. They don’t recommend me. They don’t invest in my knowledge, skills and experience. They don’t even share my work. It’s as if they want to hold onto me as their little secret weapon, a secret leg up that they don’t want others to know about.

I’ve come to realise that this dynamic is not only unsustainable… it’s psychologically and financially abusive.

And it’s rampant for many high-achievers and helpers who, like me, have been taught that love, approval, or safety must be earned through over-functioning.

Psychological Safety Must Be the Baseline.

Here’s what I know from years of coaching high performers: You cannot operate at your best if you are constantly scanning your environment for emotional landmines.

If you’re always wondering when someone’s going to criticise you, abandon you, drain you, or pretend they don’t see you, then no amount of to-do lists, productivity hacks or caffeine will help you sustain performance. Because you are not safe.

And here’s the rub—most of us aren’t even aware that we’re unsafe. We just think we’re tired. Or we’re ‘not quite ourselves.’ Or we’ve lost our edge. But often, what’s really happening is this:

➡️ You’re emotionally unsupported.

➡️ You’re chronically giving more than you’re receiving.

➡️ You’re surrounded by people who expect you to show up, shine, solve… and then quietly disappear.

We’ve normalised high performance in environments that drain the very energy we need to perform. We clap for people burning out. We promote the ones who suffer silently. And we whisper behind the backs of those who break under the pressure—as though breaking isn’t a sign the system was never built for real human beings.

High performance without psychological safety is a ticking time bomb. And most of us are sitting on it, pretending it's a lounge chair.

So Here’s My Truth This Week…

I’m not writing this blog from a mountaintop of clarity. I’m writing it from the trenches. I’m writing it raw, because that’s what I promised you.

And if you’re reading this nodding your head and feeling that tight knot in your chest or throat, wondering why you’re not OK when you’ve done everything right, I want you to know: You are not broken. You’re just well overdue for receiving psychological safety.

Here’s what I’m sitting with now:

You can’t perform at your highest level when you don’t feel psychologically safe.

And psychological safety doesn’t just live in HR policies or leadership frameworks — it lives in your actual life.

In your relationships.

In your friendships.

In your nervous system.

In your bank balance.

In the quiet moments when no one sees you.

If you’re always anticipating being let down…

If you’re bracing for emotional landmines with people you love…

If you’re used to your pain being minimised, your boundaries ignored, or your needs becoming someone else’s inconvenience…

You ARE NOT psychologically safe.

You’re surviving.

And that means your performance—your brilliant, strategic, keep-it-together, resilient AF performance — is probably a shield.

And eventually, it stops working.

It costs you clarity.

It costs you joy.

It costs you connection.

Eventually, it costs you your drive too.

Terrifyingly, it could even cost you your life.

So here’s the question that cracked me open this week:

What would it take for me to feel safe enough to rest?

Not quit.

Not break down.

Just… rest.

What would it take to stop proving?

To stop chasing peace by over-delivering?

To stop being useful as a way of staying loved?

I don’t have the answers yet. But I do know this: awareness is brutal, yes — but it’s also where healing begins.

And if this feels like it could’ve been written about you — then maybe it’s time we had a conversation that isn’t about your output, your KPIs, or your five-year plan. Maybe it’s time we talked about you.

A Special Love Note From Me to You

If you’ve spent your life being the strong one, the fixer, the one people lean on but rarely check in on… I see you.

If you’re tired of being told you’re ‘amazing’ when you feel anything but… I get it.

If you’ve ever felt financially or emotionally used because people love what you give but don’t value you… I’ve been there.

You deserve to be safe. To be seen. To be supported. Not just because you’ve earned it but because you’re a human being.

If This Hits Home…

Then maybe now is the time to do something different.

I work with high performers who are done white-knuckling their way through life and are ready to build sustainable, satisfying, supported success. The kind where performance isn’t a mask, but a reflection of actual wellbeing.If you’re ready to have someone on your side for a change, let’s talk.

📩 Book a call with me here. Let’s make the next season of your life one where you don’t have to do it all alone.

Return to Blogs

Fast Asleep: How to get a really good night's rest by Dr Michael Mosley

A good night's sleep is essential for a healthy brain and body. So why do so many of us struggle to sleep well? In Fast Asleep, Dr Michael Mosley explains what happens when we sleep, what triggers common sleep problems and why standard advice rarely works.

Prone to insomnia, he has taken part in numerous sleep experiments and tested every remedy going. The result is a radical, four-week programme, based on the latest science, designed to help you re-establish a healthy sleep pattern in record time.

With plenty of surprising recommendations - including tips for teenagers, people working night shifts and those prone to jet lag - plus recipes which will boost your deep sleep by improving your gut microbiome, Fast Asleep provides the tools you need to sleep better, reduce stress and feel happier.

We’re not just about overcoming obstacles, we’re about transforming lives.

Book Recommendation

Victoria Canham - Your Performance Partner

Victoria is an ICF-accredited certified professional coach, who offers personalised performance coaching. With a background in change management and countless hours of professional coaching training and experience, I made the big switch to full-time coaching in 2020. I know what it is like to suddenly have the rug pulled out from under you while you're busy making other plans, as a result, I now help people like you to bounce back from adversity and major setbacks to emerge stronger and better than ever before. Our clients have transformed from feeling overwhelmed by life's challenges to confident, goal-driven individuals who navigate life's obstacles with ease. They've achieved their personal and professional objectives and embodied peak performance in all aspects of life. You too can experience this transformation. This is your moment. Your chance to take control, to choose growth over stagnation, achievement over inaction. This is your opportunity to prove to yourself that you're not defined by your challenges—you're defined by how you rise above them. Are you ready to transform your life and achieve peak performance?