What Do You Actually Want? Rediscovering Your Path to Success After a Setback

Victoria Canham • 8 May 2024 • 7 min read

"The only journey is the journey within." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

What is it you actually want from this one wild and precious life?

Do you know?

It’s very common not to be able to answer that or say, “I don’t know” or “I haven’t really thought about it” or “I just want to be happy”. But if you don’t know what that looks like, then how will you know when you get there?

Often knowing what you want is really difficult because we are told throughout our lives to “be realistic” or a straightforward “no, you can’t do that”, which makes even dreaming seem futile in some instances. But this is your life, you get to reconstruct it in any way that you want to.

The Easy Way Out

It is often easier to say what we don’t want and then to build what we really do want from there. Identifying what you don’t want is easiest, because we know what we don’t like to feel, and often the things we don’t want make us feel a certain way.

For example, you no longer want to work for a manager who micro-manages your efforts but gives you no real responsibility, because it makes you feel controlled and insignificant and you don’t like it. Fair enough, right?

When you take the time to think it through and be introspective, not wanting to be controlled and feel insignificant could translate into wanting a promotion, wanting a role with less supervision or it could be that you want to be the boss of your own enterprise.

The Art of Specificity

What we do want is related to emotions and while “I just want to be happy” seems like a noble goal on the surface, it just isn’t a great goal. You cannot measure it or determine its success, other than by a fleeting moment of emotion, which may or may not repeat if you can replicate the cause.

Let’s be honest, a nice cold drink by the sea on a hot day can make you happy, but it’s not likely to be a long-lasting happiness-inducing event that you can ‘dine out on’ forever.

As you embark on this journey of discovery, you don’t need to know exactly what you want to do with the rest of your life, career or future, you just need to know that you want something different and you want it now, or you at least want to start now.

There’s no point in putting it off any longer is there?

The Influence of External Pressures and Societal Norms

Many of us grow up surrounded by societal expectations and cultural norms that shape our beliefs about success. From a very young age, we're bombarded with messages about what it means to be successful: prestigious careers, financial wealth, material possessions, and social status.

These external pressures can significantly impact our perceptions of success and influence the goals we set for ourselves, including choosing careers we hate.

The Dangers of Pursuing External Expectations

When we base our goals solely on external expectations rather than our genuine desires, we run the risk of living a life that's not truly aligned with who we are.

Pursuing goals driven by others' expectations can lead to:

Lack of Fulfilment: Achieving external success may not bring the fulfilment and satisfaction we expect. We may find ourselves feeling empty or unsatisfied despite reaching other people’s ideas of milestones.
Loss of Authenticity: We may lose sight of our authentic selves. We may end up living someone else's version of success rather than our own.
Burnout and Stress: Chasing goals that don't resonate with our true passions can lead to burnout, stress, and mental health issues. Constantly striving to meet external standards can take a toll on our health and wellbeing.

How to Break Free from External Influences

Reflect on Your Values and Passions: Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you and what brings you joy and fulfilment. Identify your core values and passions, and use them as guiding principles when setting goals.

Challenge Societal Norms: Question the societal norms and expectations that may be influencing your definition of success. Ask yourself whether these standards align with your values and aspirations, or if they're simply imposed by external opinions. Trust me when I say this, “people will always have their opinions on how you should live your life and what you should do, but none of those opinions will take the action or pay the bills, stay on course, stay true to yourself”.

Define Your Own Success: Take ownership of your definition of success. Create your own personalised definition of success that reflects your unique goals, values, and aspirations.

Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself as you navigate your own path to success. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and recognize that it's okay to veer off the traditional path in pursuit of what truly fulfils you. I know I say it every week, but self-kindness and giving yourself grace is especially important when you are trying to get back to what you know you deserve.

Set Authentic Goals: When setting goals, ensure they are aligned with your own values, passions, and authentic desires. Focus on what truly matters to you rather than what others expect of you.

Surround Yourself with Supportive Peers: Surround yourself with people who uplift and support your authentic journey. Seek out mentors, friends, and communities that encourage you to pursue your passions and stay true to yourself. If that means completely changing your circle, so be it. What got you here, will not get you there.

By breaking free from external pressures and staying true to yourself when setting goals, you can create a path to success that's authentic, fulfilling, and aligned with your true desires. Remember, your journey is unique, and true success is defined by your own standards, not by external expectations.

Reflecting on Your Goals

Righto, it’s time to take a step back and reflect on your long-term goals and aspirations. Aligning your goals with your values and passions will allow you to foster a greater sense of fulfilment and purpose in your planning.

Now, go get your journal and a beverage, get comfortable and answer these questions without editing yourself:

Do you know what you don’t want from your career and your life in general?
Create a list of the things you don’t want anymore and then prioritise them according to those you can no longer tolerate and how much you want to get rid of it.
How can you fix it?
Put yourself first – what else would you be doing if you didn’t have responsibilities i.e. were less risk averse?
Is your risk aversion realistic?
What DO you want?
What must I do to achieve it?
How would it feel to have it?

Success Stories

Sarah

Sarah had been working in a corporate job for years, feeling increasingly dissatisfied with her role. She found herself constantly stressed and unfulfilled, dreading each workday. One day, she realised that what she disliked most about her job was the lack of creative freedom and the rigid hierarchy that stifled her ideas. This awareness led her to recognize that what she truly wanted was a career that allowed her to express her creativity and have more autonomy.

She decided to pursue freelancing and eventually started her own marketing business, where she could work on projects that truly resonated with her.

Tom

Tom has been feeling stuck in his career as a software engineer. He's become increasingly frustrated with the long hours and lack of work-life balance. Through introspection, Tom realised that what he didn’t want was to continue sacrificing his personal life for his job. He also recognised that he is passionate about education and teaching others. With this clarity, Tom starts exploring opportunities in the education sector, eventually transitioning into a role as a coding instructor at a local community college.

Now, he's not only doing what he loves but also enjoying a better balance between work and personal life.

Katie

Katie had been climbing the corporate ladder for years, aiming for success defined by titles and salary increases. However, after a major health scare, she reevaluated her priorities. She realised that what she disliked most about her career was the constant stress and lack of fulfilment. Katie discovered that what she truly wanted was a sense of purpose and work-life harmony. With this newfound clarity, she made the bold decision to leave her high-paying job and pursue her passion for holistic wellness.

Today, Katie runs a successful wellness coaching business, helping others find balance and fulfilment in their lives.

Conclusion

You have the power to shape your life according to your desires, dreams and values. You were not put on this Earth to be miserable, living a life dictated to you by someone who is not you. Change can feel scary and far away, but it will always be that way if you don’t start somewhere. With determination, self-awareness and courage anything is achievable.

Do you still have questions? You can either keep writing and dig deeper to better understand what you are looking for, or you can book a discovery session with me and we dig into what it is you really want.

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What Got You Here Won't Get You There: How successful people become even more successful by Marshall Goldsmith

Your hard work is paying off. You are doing well in your field. But there is something standing between you and the next level of achievement. That something may just be one of your own annoying habits.

Perhaps one small flaw - a behaviour you barely even recognise - is the only thing that's keeping you from where you want to be. It may be that the very characteristic that you believe got you where you are - like the drive to win at all costs - is what's holding you back. As this book explains, people often do well in spite of certain habits rather than because of them-and need a "to stop" list rather than one listing what "to do".

We’re not just about overcoming obstacles, we’re about transforming lives.

Victoria Canham - Mental Performance Coach

Victoria is an ICF-accredited certified professional coach, who offers bespoke performance coach. With a background in change management and countless hours of professional coaching training and experience, I made the big switch to full-time coaching in 2020. I know what it is like to suddenly have the rug pulled out from under you while you're busy making other plans, as a result, I now help people like you to bounce back from adversity and major setbacks to emerge stronger and better than ever before. Our clients have transformed from feeling overwhelmed by life's challenges to confident, goal-driven individuals who navigate life's obstacles with ease. They've achieved their personal and professional objectives and embodied peak performance in all aspects of life. You too can experience this transformation. This is your moment. Your chance to take control, to choose growth over stagnation, achievement over inaction. This is your opportunity to prove to yourself that you're not defined by your challenges—you're defined by how you rise above them. Are you ready to transform your life and achieve peak performance?